Sometime in the fourth watch
by Sarah Kourkoulis

Weary, God I’m weary
And I just can’t seem to hold on.
The wind beats me down
And the waves try to drown me.
How long, O God, before I die?

You said to come,
And I came.
You said to go,
And I went.
When you said for me to feed them,
I didn’t know what you meant
And I don’t understand it at all.

This sea will be the death of me, I know.

I saw your heart when you’d heard the news.
The Baptizer murdered.
How it broke over his death.
No one here understands you,
but he did, a little.

You wanted to get away.
I wanted to get away.

So we came here,
and so did they.

I never saw so many people
fed by so little.
They never stop asking,
never stop coming.

They are always following you.
Why can’t they leave us alone?

I’m weary, God I’m weary.
I have nothing left to give.

And I’m here,
in this sea of loneliness,
of cold unbelief,
and of dread.

You said to go,
and I went.
You said to come,
and I came.
Where have you gone?
What mountain did you climb
that I couldn’t come with you?

Why did you leave me here
to die?

The waves grow.
Each one bigger than the last.

We won’t survive the night.
Our bones will be lost here.

I spent my last day angry
with you and with God.
My heart lacked sight
and my soul missed love.

Remember when we met?
The sea always figures in with us.
A boat, some fish, and you.

But not tonight, no not tonight.

Can the night get any darker?
Can my spirit get any darker?
I lost you, I think.
And I can’t lose you.

My God, what is that?
A ghost, a demon, a wraith!

Have no fear?
Is that you, my Lord?
Then call me again!
You know what I’ll do!

You say to come,
I will come.
You say to go,
I will go.

Though I slip away and doubt
I will still call out for your hand.
And sometime in the fourth watch
When I stand firm in my despair
You walk on water.